What Makes A Man A Man

Using the DVD with inmates – Matthew Canny (Health Promotion Officer Junee Correctional Centre, NSW) blog written 21.12.2014

WMAMAM Inc — Mon, 02 Jul 2018 04:49:11 +0000

I have had the opportunity to use the DVD material in my work as a Health Promotion Officer at Junee Correctional Centre for the last six months now. I believed in the vision of What Makes a Man a Man so much from the start that I got my company GEO Australia to be the major sponsor of this very important men’s resource.

Dealing with men in a correctional environment for many years, I understand the lack of good role models may contribute to some of their offending behaviour. Not having a male mentor to show them the right paths to take in life is becoming increasingly more common.

I recently showed Dean Daley Jones interview to my Aboriginal men’s group at the centre, after they watched the powerful movie ‘Mad Bastard’ in which he star’s. He is right in what he says….”Men do want to talk” and they did. It had a profound effect on the group.

I do know that men are looking for help and it is sometimes difficult for them to take the first step to finding it. What Makes a Man a Man is a virtual men’s resource that can be accessed anytime for men who are looking for help.

I think What Makes a Man a Man is vital tool, not just for men in correctional centers, but also for all Australian men. It shows them that they are not alone, that they don’t have to struggle in silence and that even successful people have troubles of their own as well. Most importantly it shows that modern men are not indestructible and that seeking help is not a sign of male weakness, it’s a part of modern life.

On a personal level, I have found What Makes a Man a Man has helped improve my own relationship with my six-year-old son. Since I became involved in the project I now spend more quality time with him. After work he jumps on his bike and I walk our dog ‘Ernie’. This is a very precious time for us, I ask him about his day and bizarrely he asks me about mine! Hopefully when he is his own man with his own kids he can look back on our moments in time together.

I also learned from John Bell’s interview that I can’t change the course of event’s or situations…something I used to worry about and now not so, I have now learned to go with the flow.

I continue to use What Makes a Man a Man as a core element in my health promotion work at Junee Correctional Centre and I am proud to announce that GEO Australia are now in the process of using What Makes a Man a Man as a recidivism tool in programs throughout their other Australian Correctional facilities.

I encourage all men who want an opportunity to express their views or are looking for some guidance, to use the resources of What Makes a Man a Man.

Some men want to talk and a lot more want to listen…

The Mask You Live In (Elizabeth Plank in Media & Tech)

WMAMAM Inc — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 22:29:37 +0000

Check out a new documentary ‘The Mask You Live In’ that explores ‘toxic masculinity’.

Men and boys were interviewed in USA, by director Jennifer Siebel Newsom and her findings will be familiar to many men in Australia.

Siebel Newsom reports that “although men are dying to speak, they are taught to stay silent. They spend their life wearing a mask that they are taught to never remove. See what happens when they take it off.”

(http://www.policymic.com/articles/54105/the-one-thing-all-men-feel-but-never-admit)

What a Father Taught Me (Ralph Kinney Bennett – The American – AEI)

WMAMAM Inc — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 05:12:26 +0000

What a Father Taught Me

written by Ralph Kinney Bennett
(Source: The American – AEI- The Online Magazine of the American Enterprise Institute. Sunday 16 June 2013)
“Fatherhood remains a mystery to me despite the fact that my wife and I have raised a son and daughter and now have five grandchildren. I lived inside that mystery for years — too close inside it to ever have perspective or fully understand it………As I look back over the decades, I find myself very fortunate to have found a father who has helped me penetrate the mystery of fatherhood, even if it is a bit late.”

For the full thought provoking article, have a look at:

http://american.com/archive/2013/june/what-a-father-taught-me

Vulnerability: The Counterintuitive Antidote to Anger (Shayne Hughes – Huffpost)

WMAMAM Inc — Wed, 29 May 2013 23:12:51 +0000

Vulnerability: The Counterintuitive Antidote to Anger

written by Shayne Hughes CEO, Lead Culture Change Partner at Learning as Leadership.
(Source: Huffpost – posted on 05/27/2013)

For an excellent article that covers: understanding that anger is a ‘secondary emotion’; the power to change; setting limits when others get angry; true power facing anger
Have a look at:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shayne-hughes/managing-anger_b_3327557.html

9 important things fathers can do….(Andrew King)

WMAMAM Inc — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 10:47:45 +0000

From boyhood, competitiveness is nurtured as young men are taught not to ‘be walked over by other people’. This process continues as the child grows into manhood with entrenched values of independence and autonomy. For many men, a suggestion that they need to change what they are thinking or doing is met by a high degree of resistance. Accompanied with this, most do not fully recognise the significant impact they play in their family relationships. They are more conscious of what others think they should be doing differently, like ‘men should show more of their feelings’.

This assumption is that something needs to be fixed; the father has to learn to act differently. Due to this, professionals need to work harder at the pre-engagement stage when working with men, to find an alternative way to deal with any suspicion and defensiveness.

9 important things fathers can do….
1. Remember you can make a difference. Even the small things the fathers do can have a significant impact.

2. Slow down… Most of the important things that happen in family relationships and with children require plenty of time and attention. In the tremendous speed of life, many of these important opportunities can travel right past you.

3. Valuing the ordinary things of life. Children delight and talk most while you are doing simple tasks like cooking together or travelling in a car.

4. Remember you’re on show… Children look strongly towards their parents for a role model. It is in our own actions that children are learning the most about how friendships are made and how conflict is resolved.

5. Watch your anger…. Under pressure, it is easy to think that the use of anger will solve family problems. Anger is a feeling that can damage relationships for good.

6. Remember the big picture… All relationships have close and distant times. When things get hard, it is important not to give up.

7. Today separated fathers play a significant role in their children’s lives.

8. What’s important…? Make a list of the 10 most important things in your life. Think about what you are doing with each of these issues over the coming week.

Is there anything you want to change? It is very easy for men to put all their energy into work situations, which leaves them with little energy to offer their family.

9. Take up the challenge… Often fathers only think about relationship issues when the crisis has happened. It is important to start now so that you are prepared.

What is the take home message?
As we know well, the quality of the father’s relationship with his children is paramount. It is important to support men to talk about experiences that build a sense of closeness with their children i.e. birth stories, special times and how they spend time together with their children. For men these are pivotal moments in their life that support periods of reflection, softness and the development of empathy.

I often refer to this as a relationship tide, when the tide goes out, we don’t walk away from the ocean and say “that’s it, I’m never going to see the water again”! No, we wait for the tide to turn (return) and have faith that our relationship will float again.

(excerpt from an article written by Andrew.)

See Groupwork Solutions – Working with Men for many other important articles from Andrew.

Andrew King (consultant trainer and program developer in group work)
http://groupworksolutions.com.au

Separated fathers (Andrew King)

WMAMAM Inc — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 00:52:02 +0000

While many fathers may find it difficult to express their feelings in words, the primary motivator in their lives is relationships, especially the relationship with their child/ren.

From the child’s perspective, every child has a biological father whether he is present, absent or even deceased. They have a natural curiosity about their father because it leads to answers about who they are themselves and why they look, feel, think and behave as they do.

Children need many different sources of familial input to understand and value their own existence. Positive support for the father‐child relationship is as healthy and vital for children as it is for the father.

However, this is only true for the father who is willing to be open to the changes that separation creates and who is willing to seek new knowledge and the support required to meet the new challenges. The post‐separation experience is not about ‘getting even’ with or seeking revenge on the mother, but involves the subtle nurturing of a stronger relationship with their child/ren. When this focus is achieved, many fathers report that after separation they achieve a new, deeper and more meaningful relationship with their children. Often the relationship is both richer and stronger than before the separation occurred in spite of the confusion in role experienced by many fathers today.

After contact has broken down, separated fathers are likely to re‐involve themselves with their children when they receive respectful support that nurtures the significance of the father‐child relationship. Professional support needs to be accessible, easy to understand, relevant to their immediate situation, of high quality, and yet still affordable.

(excerpt from King, A. & Fletcher, R. 2007. Re-engaging separated fathers with their children after contact has broken down. Children Australia. Volume 32, Number 5. Page 21-26)

See Groupwork Solutions – Working with Men for the full article and many other important writings from Andrew.

Andrew King (consultant trainer and program developer in group work)
http://groupworksolutions.com.au

Broken arrows–wounds of the heart (Leonard Szymczak)

WMAMAM Inc — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 21:52:27 +0000

As a boy, I once watched a Western where Apaches were fighting the Cavalry. One supposedly courageous lieutenant walked into the open plain with his two guns blazing away. Arrow after arrow struck his chest. Still he continued firing. Twelve arrows later, this man of great courage finally fell face first onto the dusty plain.

There is a fine line between courage and stupidity. As men, we were taught to steel ourselves against pain and to continue through adversity. No talking, no feeling, no crying, no sign of a whimper–even if there were a dozen arrows stuck in our heart. If hit with an arrow, we were taught to break off the shaft, ignore the pain, suppress feelings, and above all, tell no one about the depth of our distress. Just move onward till no more could be endured–then collapse. After all, isn’t that what men are all about!

Wounds are a part of life. They can be minor scratches like skinning our knees or they can be massive emotional wounds like abandonment, shame, or abuse. Some heal quickly; others leave permanent scars. To plant an arrow into a large oak tree will produce a small hole, but to shoot that same arrow at a green sapling will split it in half. Our deepest wounds were inflicted when we were children. Arrows embedded into innocent young hearts cause massive holes.

Wounds are painful, gut wrenching, and torturous. It is often said that from our deepest wounds come our greatest gifts. It also goes without saying that from our deepest wounds come our deepest pain, and, if denied, the source of our destruction.
The real wounding occurs, however, from our adaptation to the injuries. Silence, suppression, denial, and detachment from others have been ways men typically coped with pain. In effect, the poisoned barbs were left embedded in our hearts still emitting toxins. Fears of suffering further wounds developed life-long patterns of avoidance.

Building calluses around our hearts can stop us from bleeding, but the trapped, throbbing pain will eventually develop into a raging infection. An excess of work, sex, or alcohol will provide a temporary anesthetic. However, any attempt at avoidance just re-wounds the psyche and, over time, forms the greater wound. Anytime we deny the existence of deep, profound feelings, we kill part of the soul. Trying to hide an aching, gnawing wound is sure to create ghastly and terrifying shadows.

Nevertheless, to be pregnant with pain can, indeed, be a great motivating force. Books have been written, missions have been created, lives have been reborn. Facing and releasing ourselves from the pain provides the key to healing and freedom.

Easier said than done–especially for men who have watched John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Rambo handle their wounds on the silver screen. With their bodies maimed by bullets, arrows, or knives, their notion of manhood modeled silence and suppression.
Getting a handle on wounds is much more difficult than Hollywood would have us believe, as anyone who has faced their wounds can attest. Since unremoved arrowheads may eventually sever the aorta, finding the source of the wound is a matter of life and death–to the spirit.

Healing is a long and tortuous journey. It requires great courage and dedication. It demands a willingness to be awakened from a numbed existence. It asks that we break the traditional patterns of silence and denial. It calls us to share our story with other men to dissolve the toxins and pointed barbs remaining in the heart.

As we witness other men’s stories and honor the grief work, we assist in the healing process. Acceptance and love provide soothing balm for the masculine spirit as we journey on the road to REAL manhood. Real men do grieve. Real men do cry. Real men do help and heal other men.

Leonard Szymczak (Author, Psychotherapist)
www.leonardszymczak.com
www.theroadmaphome.com

My take on mentoring (Simon Mundy)

WMAMAM Inc — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:40:30 +0000

While the role models in my day (say 1957 – 1964, 9 to 15) were simplistic, a bit violent and quite idealised, they at least provided an age-appropriate foundation to a pre-teen/early teenager for an ethical approach to being a man. Today’s media “heroes” seem to be cut from a uniformly cynical, anti-hero mould which leaves young men with no ground on which to stand. No internalised hero whose standards provide a navigation marker to being a good man.

For me, effective mentoring will do more than show young men an ethical path. We are learning more and more clearly that the caring relationship itself is the medium of transformation between two people and particularly between the relatively young and the relatively … experienced. Our dependence on each other for support, validation and, often, survival are central to our humanity. The simple fact that there is someone who cares what I do, who cares how I am in the world, helps me take myself more seriously; helps to take me out of the “whatever…!” frame of mind and begins to focus my ability to choose. Helps me to care, if at first only about the mentor.

Mentoring seems to me to fill a loosely bounded space overlapping parenting, teaching and therapy. Parents’ major task is to help the child become a self, a person, who is engaged with the world of his parents and confident enough of his worth as a person to take his and others’ value seriously. Teachers’ major task is to build the young man’s competence in technical, social and cultural aspects of their wider world. Therapy’s major task is to help the young man transcend and repair painful and unhelpful distortions of his mental growth in relationship. All have a responsibility to encourage and foster ethical and, in some form, spiritual awareness.

It has always seemed to me, through my own experience and through hearing the experiences of friends and therapy clients, that the essential struggle of manhood lies in the fluctuating balance between cooperating with mates and colleagues on one hand and “getting”, understanding, and then living up to my own values on the other. This always involves the choice between opting for the familiar or expected and the new. Staying with the familiar will usually get the approval of mates and colleagues, striking out on one’s own will often result in their disapproval. But how to make that principled stand when there are few exemplars, even in make-believe, showing how it can be done and perhaps fewer in the young man’s real world who will approve and support the choice?

So: Enter the Mentor: an effective mentor can provide a real-life, warts-and-all model of ethical and integrated manhood; can articulate a set of enacted values which stretch the young man’s vision of himself and his possible choices; and, through his behaviour with and towards the young man, shows that he cares about the young man and the choices he makes: the young man is important, in all his sometimes difficult individuality, to the mentor. That caring can include shared joy in the triumphs, shared disappointment in the failures, anger at poor behaviour but always comes from a standpoint that recognises and supports the young person’s perception of themself, as Peter Fitzsimons says in his video interview, as basically a good person.

Simon Mundy (Executive Coach, Psychotherapist)

Learning from the interviews (Matthew Canny)

WMAMAM Inc — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 20:03:26 +0000

I have had the opportunity to use the DVD material in my work as a Health Promotion Officer at Junee Correctional Centre for the last six months now. I believed in the vision of ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ so much from the start that I got my company GEO Australia to be the major sponsor of this very important men’s resource.

Dealing with men in a correctional environment for many years, I understand the lack of good role models may contribute to some of their offending behaviour. Not having a male mentor to show them the right paths to take in life is becoming increasingly more common.

I recently showed the Dean Daley Jones interview to my Aboriginal men’s group at the centre, after they watched the powerful movie ‘Mad Bastard’ in which he stars.

He is right in what he says….”Men do want to talk” and they did. It had a profound effect on the group.

I do know that men are looking for help and it is sometimes difficult for them to take the first step to finding it. What Makes a Man a Man is a virtual men’s resource that can be accessed anytime for men who are looking for help.

I think the ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ DVD is vital tool, not just for men in correctional centers, but also for all Australian men. It shows them that they are not alone, that they don’t have to struggle in silence and that even successful people have troubles of their own as well. Most importantly it shows that modern men are not indestructible and that seeking help is not a sign of male weakness, it’s a part of modern life.

On a personal level, I have found ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ has helped improve my own relationship with my six-year-old son. Since I became involved in the project I now spend more quality time with him. After work he jumps on his bike and I walk our dog ‘Ernie’. This is a very precious time for us, I ask him about his day and bizarrely he asks me about mine! Hopefully when he is his own man with his own kids he can look back on our moments in time together.

I also learned from John Bell’s interview that I can’t change the course of events or situations….something I used to worry about and now not so, I have now learned to go with the flow.

I continue to use the ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ DVD as a core element in my health promotion work at Junee Correctional Centre. I am proud to announce that GEO Australia are now in the process of using the DVD as a recidivism tool in programs throughout their other Australian Correctional facilities.

I encourage all men who want an opportunity to express their views or are looking for some guidance, to use the resources of ‘What Makes a Man a Man’.

Some men want to talk and a lot more want to listen….
Matthew Canny, Health Promotion Office, Junee Correctional Centre, NSW.

Concerns regarding men’s mental health (Agi O’Hara)

WMAMAM Inc — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 20:01:13 +0000

Community concerns regarding men’s mental health are well founded. Male suicide is very high. In 2010, 1,816 males (16.4 per 100,000) died through suicide. (1)

Men who do not identify as heterosexual are particularly vulnerable due to experiences of stigma and fears of discrimination and prejudice that may lead to ‘poorer health outcomes (both physical and mental health), decreased social participation’ and the avoidance or delay in seeking help. (2)

Drug and alcohol abuse is rampant and domestic violence occurs in almost 1 in 3 relationships. (3)

Various interpretations have been offered to explain this tragic reality, as well as possible interventions to counter the harm that is enacted by men on themselves and others. Consistent with many of the theoretical understandings is the recognition that what is missing for many men is self-respect and a belief that their lives can change.

The inter-generational trauma carried within many Indigenous families has resulted in family breakdown that severely limits the number of male role models to whom young Indigenous males can turn. This is evidenced by the overall rate of imprisonment for Indigenous males as well as the over-representation of Indigenous males in juvenile detention. In the 10-17 year old age group the ratio of Indigenous males to non-Indigenous males is 28:1. (4)

Within the context of domestic violence, Jenkins (5) refers to a ‘misguided blueprint or recipe for living ’that needs to be challenged and corrected through men taking responsibility for their abusive and disrespectful behaviour. Such dramatic changes, as well as many others that could counter men’s feelings of inadequacy and failure, would undoubtedly be facilitated through learning about the life experiences of respected others. Particularly, to understand that failure is not inevitable, despite taking wrong turns and/or making serious mistakes – that in fact “failure is not the falling down but the staying down.”(6)

The ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ project seeks to address the vulnerabilities experienced by men from many different social contexts including men living in rural communities, Indigenous men and young gay men. It will provide an important community service by responding to Professor John MacDonald’s concern that we “lack initiatives that encourage help-seeking among men (and) that actively promote the value of men, their contributions to society and a range of positive male identities”. (7)

There are important government initiatives in relation to men’s health but many of these are specifically targeting youth suicide and mental health, and have done very little to engage men who are 25 and older, who are known to be resistant to accessing health related services and resources. In 2010, 40-44 year age group had the highest age-specific suicide rate for males (27.7 per 100,000), followed by the 35-39 year age group (27.5 per 100,000). The lowest age-specific suicide rate for males was in the 15-19 year age group (11.4 per 100,000)(8).

It is hoped that through many initiatives, including the ‘What Makes a Man a Man’ project, all men will have the opportunity to access the wisdom and guidance of other men, so that such devastating statistics can be dramatically reduced. The community needs to accept responsibility for making this happen. “If five whales beached themselves on Bondi Beach it would be front page news, broadcast all over the world. Enormous money, effort and resources would be utilised in trying to save them. Yet we lose five Australian men a day to suicide alone and we seem to accept that.”(9)

References
(1) http://www.mindframe-media.info/for-media/reporting-suicide/facts-and-stats
(2) http://www.headspace.org.au
(3) Mouzos, J & Makkai, T 2004, ‘Women’s Experiences of Male Violence: findings from the Australian component of the International Violence Against Women Survey (IVAWS)’, Australian Institute of Criminology, Research and Public Policy Series, vol. 56
(4) Australian Indigenous Health Bulletin Vol 10 No 4 October – December 2010
(5) Jenkins, A. (2009) Becoming Ethical: A parallel, political journey with men who have abused. Dorset: Russell House Publishing.
(6) Campbell, C. (2002) The Wealthy Spirit: Daily Affirmations for Financial Stress Reduction. Illinois: Sourcebooks, Inc.
(7) Suicide Prevention Australia 2008-04-13 Media Release (Professor John MacDonald, Chair of the SPA Men and Suicide Position Statement Reference Group and Co-Director, Men’s Health Information and Resource Centre at the University of Western Sydney.)
(8) http://www.mindframe-media.info/for-media/reporting-suicide/facts-and-stats
(9) http://www.dadsin distress.asn.au

Agi O’Hara (Psychologist)